Now that I have given myself the freedom to eat whatever it is I want (As long as I am hungry, eat without distraction and stop when I am satisfied. You know, like normal people), the "junk" foods are not as appealing. I am not focusing on losing weight right now (yikes), I am focusing on why I eat when I'm not hungry, why I need distraction and why I need to feel stuffed. Since following the guidelines and keeping a journal, I have actually unintentionally lost a little weight. What?
I am learning how to be a "normal" eater. One that eats when they are hungry and stops when they are satisfied. No guilt. No diets. It's a novel idea.
This has been an EXTREMELY scary process and not dieting has left me feeling naked and then .... liberated. I assumed that I would go crazy if I allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted. I imagined myself scarfing down Krispy Kremes and drowing myself in chocolate milk at every meal, but this hasn't been the case ... much to my surprise. Lifting all of the guilty restrictions has changed everything.
I think I am at an instant advantage because I truly enjoy nutritious foods. I have found that I am not choosing pizza 24/7, but am choosing to throw some coconut flakes and carob chips in my oatmeal instead. (Watch out. I'm cahrazy!) Now that the "bad foods" are off limits, they have lost much of their appeal. I now "splurge" by allowing myself to throw in extra goodies in my oatmeal and put both avocado AND dressing on my salad. I find that I am actually making very responsible, balanced choices even with all of the freedom I've granted myself. Because I love salads and beans, etc. I am ahead of the game already. This doesn't mean I never eat junk. The other day I ate a cheeseburger and fries. I ate until I was satisfied and threw the rest away. No big deal. I didn't die. I was hungry, I satisfied a want and moved on. Had I restricted myself I would have continued to want those fries until I caved and had a full-on binge/purge days later. Now I don't want the fries and probably won't again for a long time. I didn't eat them because I was feeling insecure or anxious and needed to fill a void, I didn't eat them because I was feeling the need to hide and be distracted ... I simply ate them because I wanted them. No emotional attachment.This is a whole new world for me.
I'm learning so much in what seems like a relatively short amount of time. I know I have a long road ahead of me, but at least I'm on the road now. Overcoming this eating disorder is going to change so many things for me.
Also, I recommend any book written by Geneen Roth.

Now ... on to something even more sweet and beautiful.
These little people (along with my (normal eater) spectacular husband) are a big part of my motivation to better myself. Every single day.

If someone had told me several years ago that I would eventually rather spend my evenings rocking babies with Nate than hanging out with my friends and "having fun" I would have scoffed right in their face.
When Nate is home in the evening he sits in the rocking chair with Mazie while I sit in the glider with Freya and we all (well, not so much Freya) sing songs and read a few books. Nate and I then rock our babies to sleep while we talk about our day and the goings on of life.

I'd rather be doing that than most anything.
There is so much comfort in this family. Love my cozy peeps.

This morning I did not want to get up. Allow me to rephrase that ... I was already up taking care of Freya, but I didn't want to leave the house to go to the gym. But, I did. And I'm glad. I killed it on the Arc Trainer and I'm still sweating. Today is good.

Here's the sign Mazie and I put out for Nate on his last day of classes last week. So proud!
(summer classes start next week)

(Look! My bike is out and ready to go. We got a new bike trailer for the girls and I love it. We sprung for the 20" wheels to keep the kiddos from losing their hind ends on bumps and large objects. Not sure what large objects we'd be running over, but you never know.)

*ahem* So, here goes ..
I am noticing a few changes in my body (externally) since hittin' gym with more gusto in the mornings. I'm not thin, eh, but I'm not as big as a barn anymore. Three-hundy didn't look so good on me. I love working out not only because it improves my appearance, but because it makes me feel strong and focused. Working out is therapeutic in many ways.
Also, I'm working on establishing a "normal" eating lifestyle. I'll spare you the juicy details, but I'm currently seeing a nutrition therapist (um, they're expensive. so, if you are looking for a lucrative career and relish (heh, relish) talking about food and why it's nothing to be afraid of, then become one of those.) Striving to overcome a ten-year-old eating disorder is tough. I'm not even sure if tough is the correct word. How about maddening, frightening, frustrating, confusing and liberating? (all at the same time) Last week I wanted to throw in the towel, but Nate strongly encouraged me to keep up the good fight. Right now I'm not working on losing weight, I'm working on learning how to be balanced in my relationship with food. (Because it's really not about the food itself when it comes down to it. It's about the relationship that we have with the food.)
Not working toward losing the rest of this weight scares the bejeebus out of me! Nate laid it all out for me by saying that it's more advantageous for me to remain at this weight while overcoming the issues for a lifetime than to get thin now but still be dealing with this ED for a lifetime. Good golly, I love my Nate. He is going to make one excellent therapist ... I mean that.

A few weeks ago I was inspired by my friend Shelby (she has five children) to start working out in the mornings. When I say early I mean early. As in early early. I was getting frustrated by my workout time of mid-morning because it took up the first half of our day. I felt like I was always running out of time!!
SO. Enter my ridiculous notion to get up before the crack of dawn to get my move on.
Currently I get up at 5:15, feed Freya (I am weaning her off of that early morning feeding), put her back down and then get ready to head out the door. I am usually at the rec center by 6 a.m.
Once I get back home I shower, get dressed and get this ... are you ready .... here it comes .... put some make-up on. No joke. Worked out, showered, dressed and make-upped all by 8 a.m.
I LOVE IT.
I am also posting a "house routine" today. Once Nate is out of school for the summer (will it ever end) he is going to be my right-hand man in running this household. We decided that it would be beneficial for both of us to know what's happening when. Consistency is key in most areas of life so .... consistent we will be. I'm so thankful to be married to a man that wants to not only be with us, but wants to play in active role in each of our lives.

I figure I better get last weekend out before this weekend happens.
Friday night I went to a friend's house for girls' night ... margaritas and mexican food. It was yummy. We basically just sat around and talked. A nice time though. Kristi changed my lip piercing out for a shorter one. I thought it looked good until I got home and realized that it was overtaking my face. I have since switched it out for a much smaller one. (I forgot my camera)
I don't remember what I did on Saturday.
Sunday was Mother's Day ...

Mazie helped with dinner

We got the girls a swing set

Mazie wanted to eat lunch in the swing the next day
(Freya looks a little jealous)

Mazie

Freya

Nate and I acting like our idiot selves

Mazie will now say, "Don't talk. Mommy don't talk" when I'm giving her instructions that she doesn't want to follow. I of course explain to her how to respond appropriately, etc. but inside I think it's extremely funny.

I wish I could just say "don't talk" to everyone that is saying things I don't want to hear.

My little firecraker

Sweet Mazie and .... a cigarette butt in the flower bed. Nice.

I had a very nice weekend and will fill you in on all of the details (and include some pics) in a few days. (I know, I know. So exciting.) For now ... Here are some more Easter pics for ya.

Looking for eggs

I told her she could sit down (meaning the bench)
but she sat on the ground

There we go

Mazie really didn't want to slow down for a
photo with Mom

I loved on her anyway

Coloring eggs with Grammie

Mommy and Freya

Great-Grandma and Freya

Bunny eating a bunny

We're pooped (I love Freya's cheek in this pic)

What goes better with Easter than guns?

Chris and Annette
... and what goes better with Easter than champagne?

Annette, Lucy and I

Annette. Just being Annette

Freya had a little accident on the way home,
but she was still happy.
A little poop in the pants ain't gonna bring this girl down