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I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope
For hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love,
For love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith
But the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting.
Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought:
So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.
T.S. Eliot, "East Coker"
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| The other night I had an interesting conversation with Nate about turning some of my past painful experiences and using them for good. I have been mulling these revelations over ever since ... they've been keeping me up at night and I just can't shake the feeling that I need to be proactive with the hand I was dealt. This notion is (mostly) new for me and although I've thrown the idea around in my head over the past few years, I've just now come to the point where I feel the need to actually act on it. I've spent a good amount of time today looking online at various battered women's shelters, exploring the options for volunteer positions, how I can reach out ... where to start.
I'm not completely comfortable thinking about the abuse, letting alone sharing my thoughts about it. Growing up, the thought of ever being a battered woman never even crossed my mind. I wasn't abused as a child and I was never in an abusive relationship prior to my first marriage. It is sometimes still a little too big for me to wrap my brain around.
Even after private and group counseling ... this part of my past is not something I talk much about, if at all. (I do speak openly and extensively about the abuse with Nate, he is the exception, as he should be.) I've never made it part of my identity. I've never used it as an excuse for my own poor choices. For the most part, I've just sort of let it dwell within me, silently. It is a rock in the pit of my stomach that I usually try to ignore.
Part of me feels embarrassed. Part of me feels ashamed. Part of me still feels to blame.
I know I'm not the only woman to feel these illogical, yet seemingly unshakable feelings. I know I'm not and it is in this knowledge that I feel lead to reach out ... to help? to love? to relate?
This desire is somewhat foreign to me. I don't even know where to begin, I just know that I need to. After some serious deliberation, I think I'll start out by simply donating supplies (food, clothing, bedding, etc.) to our local women's shelter. I feel comfortable with that ... this is the first step in the right direction. It's about time that I turn that nightmare into something prosperous and God-honoring. It's about time.
Here's to reinvention ... three years and counting ...
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| I don't have much time to write this morning. As a matter of fact, I shouldn't even be taking the time to write at all ... oh, well.
Today Maze and I are headed over to Oak Crest (local retirement home) to volunteer at their Fall Festival. Our family farm is setting up two stands (one inside, one outside) where we will be selling pumpkins, gourds, squash, decorations and so on. I'm bringing Mazie's stroller and two different wraps to wear so hopefully all of my bases will be covered. I'm supposed to work, excuse me ... volunteer for five hours so we'll see how well those five hours go with a one year old. I have a replacement (Lyndsay) just in case we need to leave early. This should be a fun day overall ... I love the olds. They're so cute.
Mazie, I think, is getting all of her teeth at once. Front, back, top, bottom, left right ... She has been so clingy and sad for the past few days. I felt SO sorry for her on Thursday because she was just crying and crying, not the whiny, redundant, I'm a year old sort of cry but the I'm in a lot of pain here and don't know how to fix it sort of cry. I just held her, walked around with her, rocked her ... you get the picture. It just broke my heart. By the time Nate got home she was in good spirits again and has been better ever since. She's just extra cuddly and sweet.
Oh, speaking of Mazie and pain ... I forgot to mention that she fell down the stairs at the farm the other day. She fell right through the baby gate. I have never, in my entire life, moved that fast. I ran over there, threw the baby gate out of my way, flew down the stairs (where she was lying face down at the bottom) and scooped her up. I felt like the Incredible Hulk. Don't mess with my girl or you'll have to deal with me ... even the baby gate is scared of me now. After a thorough inspection I deemed her ok, just shaken up. Then I cried along with her.
Poor Mazie ... it's been a rough week. 
Let's see here. I rearranged the nursery the other day. I probably should have waited for Nate to help me but, you know ... when I want something done, I want it done now. I ended up breaking the desk that weighed four tons. Whoopsy. We were going to get rid of it anyway so my breaking it only made it easier to carry down the stairs. I was just doing us a favor. I love Mazie's room so much better now that the desk is out of there. It feels more like an actual bedroom. Which is good, because that's what it is.
I have so many other things to write about but I need to go get ready before Mazie wakes up ... she likes to sleep in. I'll probably write more later.
In the meantime, enjoy the weekend and the beautiful Fall weather. 
Mazie and her cousins from Maine  | | |
| This weekend was refreshing and enlightening. Wine time with friends on Friday, a wedding on Saturday followed by a bonfire with some of my most beloved people, a birthday party on Sunday and an evening in my jammies on the couch.
I always go back and forth when it comes to moving home. This weekend simply reaffirmed that we should indeed be doing no such thing at this time. Visiting for a few days fills me with pleasant nostalgia. Moving there is just too close for comfort, to be honest. There is peace in the distance and I have become a diligent seeker of peace.
Also, I just can't believe that three years later broken relationships continue to be mended. Saturday morning began with yet another apology and an offer of friendship. The truth will always be revealed ... God certainly knows what He's doing. I do wish He would clue me in to the future sometimes though.
I guess that's what faith is all about.
Tonight I'm thankful for my dear friends, my gentle, loving husband, my joyful daughter, my supportive parents, renewed friendships, amazing sunsets and the chance to talk at length around a fire ... about the things that truly matter most.
Remind me to never take this life for granted.
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| This past weekend was Corban and Lisa's (Nate's sister) wedding! The weather was perfect and I believe that everything was flawless ... minus the flowers that didn't get put on the cake until everyone was already seated. Whoopsy. At least we got them on there before the bride and, more importantly, the mother of the bride found out. 
And that's that!  | | |
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