We just got home from our vacation in Michigan with Nate's family. There were 30+ of us all together ... camping at Uncle Don and Aunt Margie's, staying up way too late, laughing and making some spectacular memories.
I have (literally) hundred of pictures to sort through. My camera was passed around amongst the cousins-in-law and I don't even know what's on there.

Some highlights:

• Maggie got her dreads cut off on Friday. She's had them for five years!
• Our average bedtime was 2:10 a.m.
• Grandpa Don had the time of his life ... he's up to 38 great-grandchildren now.
• Sitting around the fire until the wee hours of the morning.
• Being inducted in as one of The Outlaws. It's an exclusive cousin-in-law club.
• Scoring a bedroom inside because our tent was wet and our air mattress was deflating. Score!
• Standing around the island in the kitchen, tasting wine and being silly.
• Making a commitment with the outlaws to "power through" our sleep deprivation.
• Welcoming cousin Andy home by surprising him at the airport ... he was one of 19 guys out of 66 to complete an intensive SRT training. He had no idea we would all be there and was especially surprised to see his sister, Maggie who was visiting from Germany!! That was fun.
• Watching Mazie play with all of her little cousins. There are so many little kids and they were all so cute!

I have more, but I must go to bed. I'm so thankful that I married into this huge, hilarious family.

i curse you,
the clickiting damned i am.
big, fat, heavy thoughts,
oozing their simplest of simplies.
complicated and overcasted.
waiting for the who, what, what-nots.
clicking my clickity-click tongue,
clock•times pine for leaving.
pine for cleaving.
pine for leaving.
pine for click-clickity-clickiting clicks
all during prayer down here.
on bruised and sacred knees i am.
clicking, mermaid tales drowning,
loud and loud and clear.
the world, i think, is
too busy for the brain
of you, i think.
i think the clicking world will subside,
i think, remembering members.
look at you look ...
click, click.
clickity-click.
all on my clickiting tongue for you.

I came across this old xanga entry from a few summers ago.

i think this town needs a 24 hour diner. not the bright, clean steak-n-shake kind, but the dirty, little dank kind where everything is covered with a thin veil of stale cigarette smoke and the soup du jour is usually mushy vegetable soup. ...the kind of place where your waitress sits down at your table with a lit cigarette in her mouth and takes your order as though she were on break and refers to everyone as "hun".
i do believe that if there was one around here i would get in my crappy, little escort and drive straight there. right now. once there i would sip on some piping hot coffee (and i don't even like coffee) and pour my heart out on my laptop. i would also contemplate the usage of commas in my xanga entries ... they're so confusing.
i would do this, jammy pants and all. i know that some of you are stricken with the same affliction of not being able to sleep through the night so maybe we would run into each other here around 3 a.m. i'd let you sit at my table with me. i'd even put away my laptop as to engage in some middle-of-the-night, intelligent conversation with you. really, i would. 3 a.m. conversations usually end up being the best ones anyway.

nicole caulfield
diner

I discovered this running across our bedroom floor last night. Imagine my horror. It found a hiding place under our bed. Disturbing.
It was huge. I told Nate it was like a puppy ... so huge.
I can't wait for summer to die and take all of its creepy friends with it.

EDIT: One of the biggest challenges for me as a parent is not knowing exactly what to do. I assume this is a universal challenge as I can't imagine that any parent hasn't questioned themselves at some point or another. Right now Freya has developed a new sleeping issue ... it just popped right up, out of the blue. I'm thankful to have other moms in my life that I can go to and trust. I received some much needed reassurance and encouragement from two peers recently and it's really boosted my confidence regarding how we're handling this new um, sleeping roadblock. One thing I've appreciated about the online social world is the glimpses I've been able to take into other moms' lives. Just the other day my nieghbor wrote about taking her boys to the lake only to leave with them crying as soon as she got there. A friend from college wrote about taking her two young girls and baby boy (she's pregnant with her fourth) out to run errands while the baby screamed the entire time. She ended her post with, "this is why I'm never leaving the house again!". These examples help me feel normal. Not every day is perfect. I can't take things too seriously. There are bumps in the road and these bumps are to be expected.
Last week I made a personal commitment to change my attitude about some of my responsibilities as a wife and mother. I began looking at the late-night laundry folding and the endless outpouring of my self as a gift instead of an inconvience. I was falling into a rut and needed to pull myself out.
You know why I choose to fold the laundry instead of going to bed when I'm so tired I feel like my head weighs a thousand pounds? Because I love these people. You know why I don't get bent out of shape when naptime is interrupted by a poopy blowout meaning the project I was working out has to be, yet again, put aside? Because I love these people. I could on and on, but the point is ... I love these people. That means I not only give and give and give and giiiiiive, but I give willingly, with a loving heart and a selfless attitude. This past week I have noticed that the more I gave with a servant's heart, the more blessings I received.
I mentioned a few days ago that I'm making my world smaller and it's really helped. Back in the day families had less distractions, less clutter in their lives. They had a phone on the wall and a few channels on the tv. These days I feel like our families are under attack by the distractions ... Facebook, texting, chat, 4,000 channels on the tv and a dvr filled for days, so on and so on. We've been weeding out the distractions in our house (in a realistic way) and narrowing our focus on each other. This family consists of the people I love most ... they deserve an undistracted me. I'm the only wife and mom they have. I play a major role in setting the tone in our house and I want our house to be respectful, loving, focused, joyful, godly and full of life. So, no pressure or anything

On to the pics ...

We got my parents a little fire pit for their anniversary and tested it out a few weeks ago. Works great ... the s'mores were tasty.

Nate


Serena and my Dad in the s'mores eating pose


My Mom and Mazie




I like my marshmallows burnt, baby


Mazie, trying to figure out how to not get all sticky

We made s'mores in my parents' backyard and went swimming while my sister was here.
A bit about my sister ... she has cerebral palsy and decided, not too long ago, to take her health into her own hands. She started eating more nutritious food and joined a fitness center. She has her own personal trainer there! She has gotten off of all her prescription meds and feels SO much better. She was picking both Freya and Mazie up during her visit ... I couldn't believe how strong she was. She will always have to wear her brace, but she has made so many improvements simply through diet and exercise. She is an inspiration. I'm so proud of her. Now, get off your buns and get moving!

I'm at my aunt's house in Ohio right now. They are out and my parents and sister are in Cinci for a wedding. Mazie, Freya and I have this big, beautiful house all to ourselves for a few hours ... there's so much room here, we're not sure what to do with it all. I think we'll go dip in the pool!
I miss Nate this weekend. We are both REALLY looking forward to having our weekends together again. He only has two more after this!! We haven't spent the weekend together since last June. Even though we'll need to dip into our savings every month to make ends meet, we feel that it's worth it. We can always build up our nest egg again, but we can never get back lost time together as a family.
Ok, so I've gotten all of my pictures organized and uploaded now. Here are a few from June when Mazie decided to play dress up. It was nearing nap time as made evident in the last two pictures ...

I have so many pictures to post. This past weekend was great and I especially appreciate (there are just no words to express this adequately, heads up) the fact that I can walk into a holiday party ah-loaded with food and not feel as anxious or overwhelmed as I used to. (side note: really weird to be sitting here on the couch, watching my ex-hubs park his car down the street. Small town. Just sittin' here, minding my own business.) Tomorrow morning I'm hittin' the gym again. I always have a little performance anxiety after a few days off, but I'm heading in anyway. I spent many years feeling inadequate and not good enough for the gym and sometimes those old, irritating feelings (lies! all lies!) creep back in. I hate insecurity.
I'm strong. I'm mobile. I'm capable.
My body was created to move. So, there.

Love this candid pic by Nate,
taken after a day of swimming and frolicking with the fam.
So content