Last night was fun. My father-in-law treated us ladies (mother-in-law, sisters-in-law, niece, brother-in-law's girlfriend and the mother-in-law of one of my sister-in-laws ... take your time with that last one. I know it hurts your brain a little.) to pedicures/manicures. I got the angry lady. I'm not sure what I did, but she was in a big hurry and pretty unhappy about something. I was skerred ... big, ol' nail file coming at me.
The strangest thing happened to me this afternoon as I was driving out of Dekalb to come back to Winona Lake ... I felt sad. I felt homesick. I felt like I wanted to stay.
WhaaWhat? I didn't expect that. BAM out of nowhere.
Although I do love my Winona Lake and its small, lake town charm. And I do love the safety and the memories and the familiarity and the beauty .... I sometimes miss the privacy that other places have offered Nate and I. I'm not the world's most private person (as made evident by this blog), but I miss those days of just me and Nate (and then Mazie). I mean, we had church people and his family, but it was just us for the most part. I'm not sure why that has made such an impact on me.
I want the best of both worlds. I want Winona Lake, but I want to be unknown and alone with my little family. Am I even making sense here?
Nate is thinking of getting his doctorate and I'm not sure where that will take us. I'm both scared and excited.
And why is it that the places we left behind always seem so much more appealing when we don't actually live there anymore? Remember when we lived in scaryvilletown Rockford? Whenever we think about that place we both let out an "Awwww ... those were fun days". But while we lived there we couldn't wait to get out. My mom told me it would be this way.
Her and my dad lived several places while he was going through grad school, etc. and she said it was so difficult ... until they left and then all they remembered were the good times.
I suppose that's what I'm doing. Only remembering the good.
I am an optimist by nature.

A picture for your viewing pleasure ...

So much!
We went to Illinois over the weekend (had a blast). Left Mazie there. Today I'm going back with Freya to get Mazie and will be home tomorrow.
Saturday we leave for Florida (tickets purchased a long time ago with tax return money) to see my sister. I miss her so much.
I'm in a good place right now. Recovery group was phenomenal last night and the skies are cloudy and cozy today.
I'll give a proper update when I have time.

They love each other so much. I hope it will always be this way.

The past two weeks have been a whirlwind. I think having two little ones so close in age, yet just far enough apart makes for more busyness. I feel as though I'm not able to give them (especially Mazie) the attention that they need/want. Last night Nate and I talked about sending her to 3-year-old preschool. There is a great little preschool close-by and she would only go for three mornings a week. She would just absolutely love it. She has a sincere desire to learn and I think this would be a great fit for her. Because she is so bright and aware, I think she oftentimes gets bored here at home and feels frustration by the lack of stimuli. I do what I can, but I also have Freya to take care of and I work part-time (hopefully I won't have to once Nate is out of grad school).
So, we're looking into it.

I went to the very first video I ever uploaded and it was this ... speaking of learning. She was turning the pages at six months. She has always been such a curious girl.

Aunt Linda made this photo album and gave it to us before Mazie's birthday. It's SO wonderful to have all of these memories in an album (in chronological order, nonetheless). It must have taken her many, many hours to put this together for us. I just love flipping through it, looking back at how much she's grown.

There are so many pages, I just picked a few of my favorites.

This weekend was so wonderful. Mazie turned THREE!! Oh, our little girl is such a delight ... so bright and kind. I long for her to know her worth and to feel safe no matter what life throws at her. I wish I could tuck her under my wing forever, but I know God has other plans for her. There will be those times when she will hurt, she will cry, she will be afraid, but I pray that she will always find her solace and joy in Him.
This longing stems from a new round of recovery group that started last night at church. Ladies sharing their heartache and seeking to be renewed. I think about the impact I'm having on my girls and I want their brokenness to not stem from my poor choices. I know that I will fail them and I know that I will hurt them ... because I am human. But I also know that I will try my best and I will seek their forgiveness and teach them what it means to love with every fiber of their being.
My precious little ones deserve my all. I'm still stripping away the guilt, the sadness and the fear and it's through this constant desire to love Him and to let Him in that I am able to make myself vulnerable to them.
I will post pictures and videos from the party soon. For now, here is a song that a friend sent to me. She teaches me a lot about what it means to love my children. I need people like her in my life ... I'm thankful that God has blessed me in such a way.

I also started making my own baby food. I got the Kidco baby feeding system and used it for the first time yesterday. I like that it came with a hand-held mill as well for smaller batches of food.
My goal is to spend the money out of our savings up front in order to save money down the road (by avoiding the constant expense of disposable diapers and jars of baby food).
So, that's what I'm up to today.
A few years ago I never would have guessed this is how I'd be spending my time.