Ok, back to our regularly schedule programming …

Master Cleanse

Day One – I have been feeling soooo bad for the past several weeks. I’ve been so tired and miserable that I’ve taken two pregnancy tests bc I thought maybe that would explain it. I feel like I’m old … my muscles and joints ache all the time and I’m so sore when I get up in the morning. I feel overwhelmed by little things and I feel low. Very low. I need a serious detox. This first day hasn’t been too bad … it’s strange to not eat. I’m really hungry and craving food, but I know this will pass. I just want to feel ok again.
Day Two – Today was rougggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh. I worked all day (around all my favorite “healthy” foods) and was craving them so badly. I was hungry, so tired and OH, the headache. I know these are symptoms of detox. This evening I just laid on the couch with Nate because I was too pooped (which reminds me … we are also drinking a laxative tea) to do much else. I hope tomorrow is better. HEY, I almost forgot … my muscles and joints aren’t feelings as bad today though. I feel like I gained a few decades back.
Day Three – Hallelujah!!!!!!!! Today I practically bounced out of bed. Quite a change from the past few weeks. There were mornings in there where I told Nate, “I don’t think I can even get up. I’m so tired … pregnancy tired. and I’m miserable” But, this morning I felt like my real self again. I was still super hungry, but the cravings are subsiding and I had SO much more mental clarity.
I told Nate that I felt like I had fibromyalgia or something like that (unexplained pain that the pharmaceutical company has so conveniently made a super expensive pill for … once again, treating the symptom, not the problem. don’t get me started. watch out! mama’s getting riled!) bc I hurt so much all the time … it’s AMAZING what a change in diet can do. I wonder how many hundreds (thousands?) of people could eradicate this type of thing with a simple diet change. Stop eating crap and take a walk. I bet many lives would be changed.
Also, this cleanse has been so different for me since I’m not focusing (or even really caring) about weight loss or trying to feel like a “good” person because I’m restricting. I’m doing this simply bc I feel like death and want it to end. You know, the actual real reason for doing a cleanse.
And a quick word about the tea I mentioned above … I swung by Owen’s to get some more this evening and decided on the chocolate flavor. I have a strong, very strong suspicion that this tea is not going to hit the spot tonight. Herbal, chocolate laxative tea? Hhhmm. I’m really, really hoping the tea tastes like a Snickers bar, but I feel like we’re in for a big disappointment. (Please taste like Snickers.)
Day Four – So, it didn’t taste like a Snickers, but what can I do? Nate said he had no expectation whatsoever so he was disappointed. I feel about the same as I did yesterday. The atrocious headache came again, but left by early afternoon. My tongue is nasty. My breath is bad. Just being honest here, folks. I have a thing about bad breath … I despise it. As I was tucking Mazie in for her nap this afternoon she covered her face and said, “Too close, Mommy.” Haha. Mommy’s detoxing. Nate just got home from studying and, upon my request he reluctantly smelled my breath. He said, “Yep. Smells bad. Like not good. Thank you making me do that ….” Can’t WAIT to get all the nasty out of my body. Kinda scary to think about what’s lurking inside the body of someone that’s never done a fast or cleanse. Yikes. So, it’s time to take off my real pants and don some cozy ones, fold some diapers and relax. (And keep my mouth closed, apparently.)
Day Five – Still feeling about the same. Headache, tired and so on. I’m pretty unmotivated. One of the reasons behind this lack of giddyup is because I’m doing this for the right reasons. What? See, being restrictive and losing weight has always brought about a sense of “I’m ok” and self-worth. The more I grow in Christ the less I use these fruitless things for a false sense of security and contentment. This time around I’m losing weight, I’m sticking to the plan yet I don’t really feel any better about myself. This is a good thing. Diet, exercise, etc. isn’t where I am to be finding my identity. Anyway, fantastic recovery group tonight … those ladies are so dear to me. I hope I feel better tomorrow. Or I’m calling Papa Johns.
Day Six – So, I woke up feeling like doo. I felt lightheaded and unbelievably tired. My heart was spanky. I told Nate it felt like it used to when I’d been binging/purging for several days. Like my electrolytes were all out of whack or something. I decided to drink some coconut water we had in the fridgie and down some organic OJ. WOW. I feel sooooooooooo much better. I FEEL GREAT. We decided to lay off the lax tea (But, it was so tasty!?) and instead take something else I have on hand that’s not a stimulant laxative like senna. My hunger has subsided and the cravings are better. ALSO, my breath is better. (Nate smelled it again for me. Isn’t he the best?) Yay for brave, breath-smelling husbands and yay for feeling like a million dollahs!!
Day Seven - Today was the best one yet. The constant pain in my neck/shoulders is finally gone, as is my headache! I think I’ve moved to the other side of detox now. I’m still really hungry though which is surprising considering that most hunger pangs should be gone within the first 3-4 days. Nate and I decided to start transitioning back to a normal diet tomorrow. Tomorrow’s meals will consist of organic broth and juice. Jealous, are you? Saturday and Sunday will be veggies and fruits. It’s best to transition back to food slowly. I didn’t the last time I did this cleanse and it was painful. I’m really, really looking forward to eating with a spoon tomorrow. Broth never sounded so good.

I know this is cryptic and has nothing to do with the cleanse … but man, do I hate running across things on Facebook I’d rather not be reminded of. I try to protect myself from people/comments/events, etc that bring up yuck, but it’s not a fail-proof system. This morning I ran across some information and people I’d soon rather forget. Now my heart is wobbly and my mind is cluttered. I’m a rather sensitive girl.
How quickly I can go from feeling strong and healed to feeling weak and broken. It’ll pass soon enough.
God has been fervently pursuing me for years … placing me in positions where I’ve been given the beauty of change and freedom from the damage of my past (and freedom from my ex-husband). From Carlos striking up a conversation with me at the park which prompted our involvement with church to motherhood, to surrounding us (literally, within four blocks of one another) with other young parents who are seeking Him. He continues, over and over again to come to me. To show me that my past is history. To give to me, freely … undeserved, precious gifts. My husband that loves me as Christ loves the church; unconditionally. My children that teach me so much about love.  My strength to rise above who I once was and embrace I life I never thought possible. He is relentless with me. Relentless. I cannot express how beautiful my story has become to me. I used to be ashamed of my story, but really I just am a shining example of the power of Christ. He pulled me from the mire and placed me on solid ground. He just wouldn’t leave me alone. He just wouldn’t let me go. He loves me so much and I simply don’t deserve it.

Freya started walking yesterday!! In true Freya fashion she only walks when she feels like it or when it’s necessary. Or when she knows we’ll clap and cheer for her. She’s no dummie! She takes really fast, small steps all over the house and it cracks me up … I’ll try to get it on video. SO cute.

EDIT: Here is a video that I got on my cell the first day she started walking
(at my parents’ house). She was so tired … hear her saddest cry at the end

Here is a short video I managed to get before nap time today

I have been soooo tired lately (having nothing to do with the increased mobility around here, or daylight savings time, which I loathe). Nate and I have been feeling like we need to clean up our diets a little bit and that a detox or cleanse is in order. A few days ago Nate asked me if I would do one with him starting tomorrow and I agreed! I’m excited and nervous at the same time. I’m excited because fasts always lead me to feeling fantastic (and I love doing these types of thing with Nate), but I’m a little nervous because, you know, don’t want to trigger any eating disorder junk.
I talked to Nate a little bit about it last night. I’m not fasting to lose weight and I’m not fasting to meet a goal or to punish myself. I am fasting because I need to cleanse. My mind is cloudy, my skin is getting worse (my yeast infections show up like eczema on my hands. It’s super attractive …) and I’m sluggish.
So, tomorrow starts our cleanse. I’m looking forward to seeing how I deal with the restriction and how differently it will be this time, knowing what I know now and having come so far from where I was a few months ago.

I love finding things like this around our house 
I never thought life could be so sweet.

Pippy the Unicorn was left for dead in the bathroom. Poor girl
 

Becky had to take a nap because  “she was grouchy”
No one, and I mean no one, likes it when Becky’s grouchy

I can’t seem to catch a break here. Ugh.

Halloween pictures can be found here –> Halloween Pics … a bit too busy to post them on xanga separately.
My best friend of 25 years is coming into town today! She is one of the kindest, wisest women I know (second to my mom). Yay! We’re both really excited to get together over coffee as she has been a coffee fanatic for years and I have just recently realized the joy that coffee has to offer. Nate and I are even thinking of getting a french press or something. No joke. I’ve been reformed.

Mazie was watching me workout to an exercise video on tv (I’m highly entertaining apparently) and the instructor got up from the mat to head into a cardio circuit while I remained on the floor. Mazie noticed that I should’ve been up and yelled, “COME ON, MOMMY!!” … Can’t get away with anything these days.

This morning’s bad news: Freya ate dog food then threw up everywhere, Mazie had a long, dramatic sobbing fit over a shirt, the dog pooped on the floor right in front of me and then I bent my thumbnail back (still hurts like a muhtha). This morning’s good news: Nate put the laundry away last night, the weather is beautiful, Christmas music is blasting from the record player, God loves me despite my miserable failures and I’m able to stay home and experience all of this.

Last night (at my church group) brought about so much clarity and peace of mind. (Peace of mind is an expected result of clarity, no?) We were discussing my desire to be an effective person to my peers in the neighborhood, etc. and how I keep signing myself up to make dinners and other acts of service. I do love to make dinners for other people, (or rather I love the IDEA of making dinners) but I usually end up feeling overwhelmed and it falls on a day where the little ones are falling to peices (like today). Part of the issue is that I usually just can’t make extra of whatever we’re having because we eat things that might scare others.  … like collards and potatoes, broccoli and black beans or just a big salad. Last night I shared that I feel as though I’m giving in an area that I’m not called to give in and I can’t figure it out!!  One of the other ladies said, “Well, I think that you are an excellent relationship person and maybe instead of making dinner for people you can relate to them and connect on an emotional level with them.” Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Shoot. Connect with people on an emotional level? Hmmm, sounds messy. Calling up my friend that just had her baby and talking/sharing with her the challenges of new motherhood and offering her encouragement is what I am called to do, not make dinners and so on. Other people have the gift Service and I need to trust that God will place them where they are needed.

Super weekend! Details later … with pics.

Nate has to pick up some extra internship hours on the weekends now and even though that’s a bummer … it’s still nothing compared to the 32 hour weekend shifts of last year!

Tonight is Trick or Treat and the girls are dressing up as ballerinas (Mazie is Angelina Ballerina). Mazie has been allowed to wear her ballerina dress in advance today because she has resisted the ever-so-tempting whining and general, dramatic hoopla that comes along with being a girl of age three. We’re all happy about this.
Freya is just growing up so fast. She doesn’t say any words, but uses lots of hand motions and seems to have excellent fine motor skills like Mazie. I think she is also going to be a very bright girl (with a happy-for-no-reason, I’m just really happy disposition).

I helped my mom declutter her living room, sitting area and kitchen on Saturday. The house looks so open and airy now. My parents have a very pretty home, but my mom’s sentimentality sometimes overtakes the homeland and it ends up feeling cramped. She said it wasn’t as difficult as she thought it was going to be; decluttering, donating, selling and so on.

I’m still on the path to making eating/exercising goals that are peaceful and reasonable for me. I talked to Nate and them and he seemed to think they were right on target. I am going to workout five days a week …. this can as simple as 20 minutes of pilates to as advanced as an hour or more of intense aerobics/weights at the rec center. I’m trying to give myself lots of room for flexibility as to not get burnt out or give up entirely bc my expectations are too high. I’ve also set some small eating goals that I talked to Ann about last week (did I mention this already? If so, sorry.). My weight loss will continue to be slow and steady as there is no deadline and this is not a race. I’ve never gained back all of the one hundred+ pounds I lost  and we discussed my self-awareness in this area and my ability to take a step back and assess the situation as needed.

Ok, I need to go resume my life in the real world. Will post pics later. Gator.

EDIT: here’s a quick pic of our princess-ballerina-faeries
(the benefit of homemade costumes … so versatile).