After Thanksgiving dinner (which I ate normally!!) we sat around and perused through the sales flyers for various stores around town. (They have really great stores in town) I opted out of the midnight shopping excursion and instead met them for breakfast around 5 a.m. Who's smart? Me.
Oh, Wednesday night us kids went out on the town and stayed up ridiculously late. And when I say ridiculous, I mean it. It was fun though ... wish I would have remembered my camera!!

Black Friday sales searching. A family ordeal

Freya's bday party prep

Birthday girl enjoyed the cupcake
Sort of ... she had to go to bed soon after this because two
celebrations in one day are hard on the little tikes

Grandma Teri and Mazie

Freya assessing the playtime damage

Woohoo turkey high

Turkey low

I do believe I'm having the best extended Thanksgiving vacation ever.

I'm leaving for the farm tomorrow. Nate's youngest brother is going to meet the girls and I about halfway and then Nate is coming there on Wednesday evening. I can't wait to relax while Grandma does her thing and dote all over my kiddos. On Wednesday night we're supposed to go out with Nate's cousin-brother and his wife (whom is more like a sister-in-law than a cousin-in-law, confused yet?) to celebrate Thanksgiving eve. Should be a blast.
I met with Ann (nutrition therapist) this morning in Fort Wayne (recovery is expensive). It was a very insightful session and we discussed how the more I am "ok" with myself, the more "ok" I am with the rest of life. This leads me to some reflection on the Master Cleanse Nate and I just finished up ..

The Official Master Cleanse Reflection Summary followed by some other insightful rambling.
Here goes.

The last time I did the MC I was in the throes of food restriction. Restriction to lose weight, but moreso restriction to feel "ok" about myself. The more restrictive I was and the more consistent I was in working out, the more at peace I felt. Is this a bad thing? Well, no, not entirely. I believe God called me to show restraint and self-discipline, but I wasn't motivated for the right reasons. I was motivated by a need to feel normal and ok with me. This time around on the MC I was so borrrrrrred. I didn't feel any more self-worth or more at peace with myself because I was being restrictive and losing weight. I guess that's not where I find my security anymore. On Wednesday I cleaned the house and sat back to reflect on my environment when it dawned on me that I really didn't feel any different about myself than I did before I cleaned. So, there I was not eating, losing weight and wandering around a perfectly clean house yet I didn't feel the same sort of false satisfaction or shallow joy. WHAT? Clean house, no food, baggie pants and no boost in self-worth or security? You know why? Because that's not where it's at for me anymore. I don't need these external actions to determine my mood or my peace or my groundedness.
Heading into Thanksgiving I'm feeling a little shaky about what to do with all of the food amongst the chaos of family, traveling, etc. I asked Nate what he does (normal eater alert) when confronted with a big spread of tasties and he said, "Well, I look at everything. Choose some foods because they provide good fuel and then choose some other things that I really want. I leave the rest behind. If I'm still hungry after that I'll get some more. If not, I'll wait to eat again later." Smart man, that Nate. He's become my accountability partner (with benefits!) in this thing and I actually have learned so much from him about eating. I've made the commitment to not binge/purge this holiday season. Its been years since I've done that (I did one time when I was on a super diet. wrong motivation). It helps me beyond words to know that Nate supports and encourages me in this. Also, my parents have changed their ways and my mom weighs less than she has in 20 years. She's losing weight by eating normally. The only snack food she bought for the holiday was pretzels. What a difference from the last hundred years. My parents' example along with Nate's sincere counsel along with my dear friends from recovery group along with my God that loves me beyond measure are carrying me through this.
This Thanksgiving will be the most normal Thanksgiving ever. I'm so excited.

Ok, back to our regularly schedule programming ...

Master Cleanse

Day One - I have been feeling soooo bad for the past several weeks. I've been so tired and miserable that I've taken two pregnancy tests bc I thought maybe that would explain it. I feel like I'm old ... my muscles and joints ache all the time and I'm so sore when I get up in the morning. I feel overwhelmed by little things and I feel low. Very low. I need a serious detox. This first day hasn't been too bad ... it's strange to not eat. I'm really hungry and craving food, but I know this will pass. I just want to feel ok again.
Day Two - Today was rougggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh. I worked all day (around all my favorite "healthy" foods) and was craving them so badly. I was hungry, so tired and OH, the headache. I know these are symptoms of detox. This evening I just laid on the couch with Nate because I was too pooped (which reminds me ... we are also drinking a laxative tea) to do much else. I hope tomorrow is better. HEY, I almost forgot ... my muscles and joints aren't feelings as bad today though. I feel like I gained a few decades back.
Day Three - Hallelujah!!!!!!!! Today I practically bounced out of bed. Quite a change from the past few weeks. There were mornings in there where I told Nate, "I don't think I can even get up. I'm so tired ... pregnancy tired. and I'm miserable" But, this morning I felt like my real self again. I was still super hungry, but the cravings are subsiding and I had SO much more mental clarity.
I told Nate that I felt like I had fibromyalgia or something like that (unexplained pain that the pharmaceutical company has so conveniently made a super expensive pill for ... once again, treating the symptom, not the problem. don't get me started. watch out! mama's getting riled!) bc I hurt so much all the time ... it's AMAZING what a change in diet can do. I wonder how many hundreds (thousands?) of people could eradicate this type of thing with a simple diet change. Stop eating crap and take a walk. I bet many lives would be changed.
Also, this cleanse has been so different for me since I'm not focusing (or even really caring) about weight loss or trying to feel like a "good" person because I'm restricting. I'm doing this simply bc I feel like death and want it to end. You know, the actual real reason for doing a cleanse.
And a quick word about the tea I mentioned above ... I swung by Owen's to get some more this evening and decided on the chocolate flavor. I have a strong, very strong suspicion that this tea is not going to hit the spot tonight. Herbal, chocolate laxative tea? Hhhmm. I'm really, really hoping the tea tastes like a Snickers bar, but I feel like we're in for a big disappointment. (Please taste like Snickers.)
Day Four - So, it didn't taste like a Snickers, but what can I do? Nate said he had no expectation whatsoever so he was disappointed. I feel about the same as I did yesterday. The atrocious headache came again, but left by early afternoon. My tongue is nasty. My breath is bad. Just being honest here, folks. I have a thing about bad breath ... I despise it. As I was tucking Mazie in for her nap this afternoon she covered her face and said, "Too close, Mommy." Haha. Mommy's detoxing. Nate just got home from studying and, upon my request he reluctantly smelled my breath. He said, "Yep. Smells bad. Like not good. Thank you making me do that ...." Can't WAIT to get all the nasty out of my body. Kinda scary to think about what's lurking inside the body of someone that's never done a fast or cleanse. Yikes. So, it's time to take off my real pants and don some cozy ones, fold some diapers and relax. (And keep my mouth closed, apparently.)
Day Five - Still feeling about the same. Headache, tired and so on. I'm pretty unmotivated. One of the reasons behind this lack of giddyup is because I'm doing this for the right reasons. What? See, being restrictive and losing weight has always brought about a sense of "I'm ok" and self-worth. The more I grow in Christ the less I use these fruitless things for a false sense of security and contentment. This time around I'm losing weight, I'm sticking to the plan yet I don't really feel any better about myself. This is a good thing. Diet, exercise, etc. isn't where I am to be finding my identity. Anyway, fantastic recovery group tonight ... those ladies are so dear to me. I hope I feel better tomorrow. Or I'm calling Papa Johns.
Day Six - So, I woke up feeling like doo. I felt lightheaded and unbelievably tired. My heart was spanky. I told Nate it felt like it used to when I'd been binging/purging for several days. Like my electrolytes were all out of whack or something. I decided to drink some coconut water we had in the fridgie and down some organic OJ. WOW. I feel sooooooooooo much better. I FEEL GREAT. We decided to lay off the lax tea (But, it was so tasty!?) and instead take something else I have on hand that's not a stimulant laxative like senna. My hunger has subsided and the cravings are better. ALSO, my breath is better. (Nate smelled it again for me. Isn't he the best?) Yay for brave, breath-smelling husbands and yay for feeling like a million dollahs!!
Day Seven - Today was the best one yet. The constant pain in my neck/shoulders is finally gone, as is my headache! I think I've moved to the other side of detox now. I'm still really hungry though which is surprising considering that most hunger pangs should be gone within the first 3-4 days. Nate and I decided to start transitioning back to a normal diet tomorrow. Tomorrow's meals will consist of organic broth and juice. Jealous, are you? Saturday and Sunday will be veggies and fruits. It's best to transition back to food slowly. I didn't the last time I did this cleanse and it was painful. I'm really, really looking forward to eating with a spoon tomorrow. Broth never sounded so good.

I know this is cryptic and has nothing to do with the cleanse ... but man, do I hate running across things on Facebook I'd rather not be reminded of. I try to protect myself from people/comments/events, etc that bring up yuck, but it's not a fail-proof system. This morning I ran across some information and people I'd soon rather forget. Now my heart is wobbly and my mind is cluttered. I'm a rather sensitive girl.
How quickly I can go from feeling strong and healed to feeling weak and broken. It'll pass soon enough.
God has been fervently pursuing me for years ... placing me in positions where I've been given the beauty of change and freedom from the damage of my past (and freedom from my ex-husband). From Carlos striking up a conversation with me at the park which prompted our involvement with church to motherhood, to surrounding us (literally, within four blocks of one another) with other young parents who are seeking Him. He continues, over and over again to come to me. To show me that my past is history. To give to me, freely ... undeserved, precious gifts. My husband that loves me as Christ loves the church; unconditionally. My children that teach me so much about love.  My strength to rise above who I once was and embrace I life I never thought possible. He is relentless with me. Relentless. I cannot express how beautiful my story has become to me. I used to be ashamed of my story, but really I just am a shining example of the power of Christ. He pulled me from the mire and placed me on solid ground. He just wouldn't leave me alone. He just wouldn't let me go. He loves me so much and I simply don't deserve it.

Freya started walking yesterday!! In true Freya fashion she only walks when she feels like it or when it's necessary. Or when she knows we'll clap and cheer for her. She's no dummie! She takes really fast, small steps all over the house and it cracks me up ... I'll try to get it on video. SO cute.

EDIT: Here is a video that I got on my cell the first day she started walking
(at my parents' house). She was so tired ... hear her saddest cry at the end

Here is a short video I managed to get before nap time today

I have been soooo tired lately (having nothing to do with the increased mobility around here, or daylight savings time, which I loathe). Nate and I have been feeling like we need to clean up our diets a little bit and that a detox or cleanse is in order. A few days ago Nate asked me if I would do one with him starting tomorrow and I agreed! I'm excited and nervous at the same time. I'm excited because fasts always lead me to feeling fantastic (and I love doing these types of thing with Nate), but I'm a little nervous because, you know, don't want to trigger any eating disorder junk.
I talked to Nate a little bit about it last night. I'm not fasting to lose weight and I'm not fasting to meet a goal or to punish myself. I am fasting because I need to cleanse. My mind is cloudy, my skin is getting worse (my yeast infections show up like eczema on my hands. It's super attractive ...) and I'm sluggish.
So, tomorrow starts our cleanse. I'm looking forward to seeing how I deal with the restriction and how differently it will be this time, knowing what I know now and having come so far from where I was a few months ago.

I love finding things like this around our house 
I never thought life could be so sweet.

Pippy the Unicorn was left for dead in the bathroom. Poor girl
 

Becky had to take a nap because  "she was grouchy"
No one, and I mean no one, likes it when Becky's grouchy

I can't seem to catch a break here. Ugh.

Halloween pictures can be found here --> Halloween Pics ... a bit too busy to post them on xanga separately.
My best friend of 25 years is coming into town today! She is one of the kindest, wisest women I know (second to my mom). Yay! We're both really excited to get together over coffee as she has been a coffee fanatic for years and I have just recently realized the joy that coffee has to offer. Nate and I are even thinking of getting a french press or something. No joke. I've been reformed.