This time of the year is usually bittersweet for me. Bitter as I remember the heartache, sweet as I relish the changes. I can't believe next week will mark the four-year anniversary of me leaving my ex-husband.
That summer was the most desperate, debilitating, challenging, beautiful and triumphant period of my entire life. My life is so different now that sometimes I feel as though all of those years were just a dream. I look at old photos and read old journals and it's as if I'm peeking in at someone else's life, not my own. I suppose this is what happens when you do a complete 180 in a few short years. No one can say I've wasted much time during this reinvention. God has done and continues to do a good work in my life.

Recently I came across this little ditty I wrote during that period.

quietly, gently i grasp.
tender i am.
i am,
i am,
i am.
slips of twilight, my tongue sounds like honey.
from my heart, my heart the sweetness flows.
filing down the sharpness, i make way for the changes.
knowing the choices, resilience overrules the pain.
softness,
softness,
softness.
swaddled in courage, i am smothered by fear.
in this heart. mind. heart longs for serenity.
with your acidic water on my fire,
what you say doesn't become me.
but becoming am i.
am i,
am i,
am i.
becoming?
becoming i am. i come. i be.     come.
      .please.
                 .please.

A few weeks ago I mentioned the alley ... you may remember ... well, at the bottom of this post you'll find a photo of said alley during a little bonfire. I was standing on our front porch when I took this picture and yes, we have the best house on the block in terms of alley view. All the neighbors are jealous I just know it. I mean, you've seen our spectacular view of the lake from the back door, no?

(Allow me to refresh your memory)

 

If you would like to drive down the alley while we're out hittin' the s'mores up hard you can forget it. We take our alley time very seriously ... especially during the day when us moms are standing in the middle talking (and lamenting about how we were going to wash the vom out of hair but just didn't have the motivation) while hundreds (some of the moms have their quivers full, if you know what I mean) of children play at our feet.
Unless you bring Starbucks. Some of those ladies would kill for the Starbucks. They'll round up all of the kidnuggets and let you pass if you bring that energizing, life-sustaining nectar of the gods for them. Those moms and their coffee, I tell ya.

 

EDIT: I didn't even get the third (and not final) rug unrolled before Nate gave it the ax. He usually just goes along with whatever so for him to give it the ol' heave ho meant it was really bad. Fine. It looked good in the store though. Ok, I have one more rug to try. I'll pick it up in the next few days. I think this fourth one is going to be it. I feel it. Good rug vibes on the way.

The girls have both been napping for so long today. It's so quiet around here. At first it was great and I basked in the calm and solitude, but now ... honestly, it's kinda lonely. Wake up already.

Freya has recently discovered her voice

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Last night was lonnnnnnnng ... and sleepless. Little Mazie has croup and Freya doesn't feel well either. The thunder had Mazie really scared. Nate and I spent quite a while convincing her that thunder is FUN and that we LOVE it. It worked. (mostly)
We were going to celebrate Nate's birthday tonight but the Dr. said that Mazie is highly contagious and shouldn't be out of the house for a few days. We'll have to postpone it until next week because tonight was the only night we had free. The girls and I are supposed to head to Illinois for the weekend (sister-in-law's baby shower and Easter. Nate has to work.) but now we'll have to see since Mazie is sick.
I bought an area rug for the living room. Actually I bought three and returned two. Nate said he's never known anyone that returns more things than I. Listen, I'm not going to spend my hard-earned (er, mostly Nate's hard-earned) money on things that I don't absolutely love. Therefore ... if I don't love you, you's gettin' returned!
So, the third (and hopefully final) rug is getting laid out later today. Hope it's a winner.

My awesome Nate hasn't slept at ALL because he is finishing a paper due today. He hasn't uttered a word of complaint orrrrrr had a Mountain Dew. Love. him.

• This plantar fasciitis is really bringing me down, man. I tried Zumba out again yesterday and I'm paying for it today. I found a new stretch that seems to be helping. A stretch that Nate knew about this whole time and never shared with me. He felt really bad when he realized that I knew nothing of this magical stretch that allows me to walk using both mah feets! Well, as long as he feels bad for me ...
• The Y just got all new machines and they are exactly like the ones we had in Illinois (that I used the summer I moved there and got all sessy). I love them.
• I have Freya on half formula/half breast milk. That girl is happeeee. My dear friend is donating her breast milk to Freya instead of the milk bank ... I'm so thankful for her generosity. (She is an approved breast milk donor so there are no disease, etc. worries)
• Speaking of said donated breast milk ... I took a sip of Freya's bottle yesterday to test the temperature. Ok. Right? And then I realized that I had just sipped my friend's breast milk. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. So there's that ...
• Tonight I'm going on a date with my Dad. We're heading to Ft. Wayne to a Daddy/Daughter Date Night thing. He's not sure what it all entails so we're heading into this thing blind ... all I know is that there is a performance and a chocolate fountain. Chocolate. Fountain.

... seems like most everything involves puke or a nose pick.

EDIT: I took Freya to the Dr. to have her ears looked at and discovered that she has lost a pound since her last visit a month ago. I am now at complete peace about supplementing with formula. She is eating so well and only woke up once last night. Now we both feel better.

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My goal after bedtime tonight (along with the laundry and dishes) is to put some pics and/or videos up.

My heart is rather heavy right now ... last week I noticed that my milk supply was dipping and I have decided to not pump and spend money on herbs, etc. this time. The last time my supply started to dip I pumped 5-6 times a day (and took different galactogoues) and ended up with a surplus (and was able to donate 100 oz!!), but it was very, very time consuming and expensive. I'd say I pumped for an average of 1.5 hours a day.

I was up in the middle of the night on Thursday wrestling over my options and weighing the pros and cons. Freya had woken up (again) and spent about 15 minutes trying to eat .... finally I just laid her down next to me, got her back to sleep and fed her again about an hour later. It is so frustrating/saddening/disappointing to see my baby struggling to get something to eat only to be end up empty and crying.

I talked to Nate and my mom on Friday and they both support me in my decision to transition to formula (organic formula for now. no need to bombard her little body with a bunch of crap right off the bat). I also met with two of my mom friends and they helped me sort through my feelings of guilt and sadness. Breastfeeding is something that is very dear to me. I am so thankful that I have been able to breastfeed this time around and that I made it to four months!

In the end I know that it will all end up ok and that Freya will turn out just fine, but I'm just still working through it for now.

Mazie had a complete meltdown at the grocery store yesterday. I knew I was pushing my luck by going there so close to lunch and nap time. I think I handled it appropriately though. Isn't there some kind of manual out there? I need a manual!! She said she didn't want the sticker that the cashier gave her so I took it then she flipped out. I told her that it's ok to change her mind and to be frustrated but it's never ok to scream and flail about. She calmed down and said that she did in fact want the sticker so I gave it to her but she refused to take it and flipped out again. What? So, I took the sticker and threw it in the trash and explained to her that she lost her sticker privilege by flipping out again. I know it's hard to be two years old and not have the ability to explain what's going on. I always try to give her that opportunity, but I am not going to stand in the parking lot of Owen's for 10 minutes taking and giving the same sticker, you know? She has to learn how to communicate effectively and it's my job to teach her. I can't do this if I allow her to get her way for the sake of peace and quiet. (But, oh man ... it's tempting and I understand why so many parents give in to their children. The quiet is only temporary though if you do things that way.) She also had a meltdown as we were leaving the Y and I told her that if she didn't calm down that she couldn't push the button to open the door. Inside I was like, 'Please calm down so you can push the button and make this easy on all of us'. Nope. She didn't calm down so we left the Y as she was crying and whining. Loudly. That girls' got a set of lungs. It's quite impressive actually. When we got out to the car I explained that it's ok to be sad and angry but never ok to scream, etc. and that if she had calmed down she could have pushed the button.
Next time we go to the Y or the store I will do more pre-teaching (again) about the expectations and the rewards that go along with meeting those expectations and the consequences that go along for not.
I am looking at every meltdown as an opportunity for teaching her how to deal with life and its frustrations. Right? Yeah, that's the spirit! Mazie is usually just the sweetest little girl ... she says hi to everyone and smiles constantly. She is a little darling that is full of passion. Her passion often times becomes overwhelming when she is dealing with negative emotions though and I'm teaching her how to take it all in stride. She's got a lot of spirit for a two year old.

When we finally got back and were walking into the house Freya was crying in her carseat and Mazie was walking beside me crying and I was also shedding a few silent tears. Guh. Nate sent me many encouraging texts so that helped a lot. He thinks I'm doing a fine job and that means so much to me because they are his daughters, too. He's proud of his baby mama.

Being an effective parent is not a job for the weak, that's for sure.