Last night I got the best sleep I've had in a long time! I feel so much better ... I've been so exhausted lately. Pregnancy kind of exhausted. Maybe today I'll be more awake and clear. My workout was great. I'm sitting here in my sweaty clothes, in the dark (very cloudy today) while everyone sleeps. I have such good sleepers here.
I think Freya's going to start consistently sleeping 12 hours now that she's on solids. Speaking of Freya, that girl doesn't seem to like fruit much. I think she's a whole grain cereal and veggies girl. Both of my kids love their veggies ... the other day Mazie asked for vegetables for dinner. And ... speaking of Mazie, she is such a good girl. She follows instructions so well! We moved her crib so it is near the window and explained to her that she's not allowed to touch the blinds or curtains and she hasn't even attempted to do so. She's usually very obedient. She's also sooooo sweet. The other day I was talking to Nate and I started crying. She said, "Oh, no. Mommy sad. Here Mommy" and gave me a hug and patted my back. I told her that it was ok to cry, etc. I started crying a little bit later again and she said, "Oh, no. Again! Mommy sad again" and handed me a kleenex.
Tonight we're having dinner with some good friends. We haven't gotten together with them for a few weeks and I'm really looking forward to it ... it's always a good time. We have many of the same ideas and philosophies on life and raising children. They have the same kind of parenting style that we do (high expectations, consistency, no chaos, etc.) so it's enjoyable for our children to be together.
Ok. Soon ... pictures and videos. Right? Blogs are so borrring without them and I'm super sorry for that.

• I find it mind baffling, odd, interesting, confusing, intriguing ... you get what I'm going for here ... that people risk getting duped over and over and over again. I get the forgiveness thing. I'm all about second chances (helloooo. look at me.), but really?
• Moving on ... We rearranged the nursery; moved the cradle out and put Freya in a big crib. They're so cute ... both in the same room in matching cribs. I'm always a little sad when we move the baby out of our bedroom, but happy to have our space back again. It's important to Nate and I to have our own room. I bought a video baby monitor that has a two-way speaker so we can speak to them in God-like fashion from across the house. I just hope it doesn't scare the crap out of them.
• This past weekend was FANtastic. We had friends over on Friday night and it was great. Now that Nate's schedule has calmed down we can do more of that. This makes my extroverted self very happy. We had people over that we hadn't had over before and it was so fun. Good food, good music, good conversation and more. It was a perfect evening. Oh, and I have a little wine tip for you. If you buy box wine (wine in a box? i know, i was skeptical, too.) get the Franzia Crisp White. If you buy the Franzia Chablis you will be very, very sad.

That's about all for now. This week is busy as I've been asked to work extra hours. I do love my job so that makes it better, but I love my family more. I'm just SO thankful I don't have to work full-time.
Take care. Much love.

That hotter than hades weather was driving me nuts. We finally broke down and turned the AC on. It's supposed to be cooler the next couple of days so we can open the windows again. Good. I can' wait for Fall ... how many more days?
We got a bigger dining room table from our neighbors. It expands to seat 10 people ... we have a real dining room now!! We are having a few friends over for dinner tomorrow night and I'm so excited that we can all sit around the table. No more busting out the card table and extra chairs. As classy and convenient as that was.
Ok. There's so much weirdness going on right now. I'm not sure where to begin.
Hhmmmmm. So, my ex-husband has been arrested and is in jail until his trial in October unless someone bails him out before then. (I feel free to share this on my blog because it is now public knowledge ... printed in the paper). His financial indiscretion is finally catching up with him it seems. Since his arrest I have been contacted by several people seeking understanding, etc. (I talked at length to one of them this morning) I'm going through so many emotions. I find it refreshing to "clear the air" and to help others make sense of what's happening. Ex puts on such a good show, most people are dumbfounded and never saw it coming, others are not surprised yet still extremely disappointed/confused.
I always wanted so much more for him than he wanted for himself. It's tough when you love someone that refuses to change. I lived through so much pain with him (beyond just the financial realm).
It's the same old, same old. What's happening right now is nothing new to me (or him) and I'm saddened by the realization that he may always remain enslaved to his own desires.

I'm so thankful for the life I lead now. There are no secrets in this house.

And to end with a little bit of happiness ...

EDIT: Jeremy and Carey lost their triplets this morning. I cannot fathom how they must feel.
********
Some college friends are in the eye of storm these days. Carey is 21 weeks pregnant with triplet boys, is having contractions and losing amniotic fluid. She is also in a lot of pain. The prognosis is grim and to be frank, they need a miracle.
Last night Nate and I held each other and prayed for this little family with tears in our eyes. Tears of sorrow. Tears of hope. Tears of thankfulness for God's peace.
Their website is: http://www.tipsontriplets.wordpress.com Take a few minutes to read it, if you can.
Also, Nate's cousin has a friend that just had a baby. Baby Samuel. http://www.gofundme.com/Baby-Samuel He is having health problems in the NICU and needs our prayers. If everything goes well (healing, surgeries, lack of infection, etc.) he should be home by the end of the summer. He has a long road ahead of him.
I can't imagine losing my baby(s). I can't imagine what Carey is going through as she lays in the hospital, praying for her body to stop the contractions and for all of her boys to survive. I can't imagine what it must be like for Samuel's parents to have a tiny baby and not be able to hold him ... to not be able to kiss all over his tiny face and snuggle him as he sleeps.
I have been reminded of the fragility of life over the past few days and my petty concerns pale in comparison to what others are facing.
These days are fleeting and even the 1 a.m. spontaneous Freya feeding or 5 a.m. thunderstorm that scares Mazie awake has a particular sweetness, made even sweeter over the past few days.
I must treasure these times ... treasure these times.

Mazie really loves taking care of Freya

(I highly recommend that bottle. It's called Breastflow and is great for breastfeeding Moms that use bottles. I love it.)

Now that I have given myself the freedom to eat whatever it is I want (As long as I am hungry, eat without distraction and stop when I am satisfied. You know, like normal people), the "junk" foods are not as appealing. I am not focusing on losing weight right now (yikes), I am focusing on why I eat when I'm not hungry, why I need distraction and why I need to feel stuffed. Since following the guidelines and keeping a journal, I have actually unintentionally lost a little weight. What?
I am learning how to be a "normal" eater. One that eats when they are hungry and stops when they are satisfied. No guilt. No diets. It's a novel idea.
This has been an EXTREMELY scary process and not dieting has left me feeling naked and then .... liberated. I assumed that I would go crazy if I allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted. I imagined myself scarfing down Krispy Kremes and drowing myself in chocolate milk at every meal, but this hasn't been the case ... much to my surprise. Lifting all of the guilty restrictions has changed everything.
I think I am at an instant advantage because I truly enjoy nutritious foods. I have found that I am not choosing pizza 24/7, but am choosing to throw some coconut flakes and carob chips in my oatmeal instead. (Watch out. I'm cahrazy!) Now that the "bad foods" are off limits, they have lost much of their appeal. I now "splurge" by allowing myself to throw in extra goodies in my oatmeal and put both avocado AND dressing on my salad. I find that I am actually making very responsible, balanced choices even with all of the freedom I've granted myself. Because I love salads and beans, etc. I am ahead of the game already. This doesn't mean I never eat junk. The other day I ate a cheeseburger and fries. I ate until I was satisfied and threw the rest away. No big deal. I didn't die. I was hungry, I satisfied a want and moved on. Had I restricted myself I would have continued to want those fries until I caved and had a full-on binge/purge days later. Now I don't want the fries and probably won't again for a long time. I didn't eat them because I was feeling insecure or anxious and needed to fill a void, I didn't eat them because I was feeling the need to hide and be distracted ... I simply ate them because I wanted them. No emotional attachment.This is a whole new world for me.
I'm learning so much in what seems like a relatively short amount of time. I know I have a long road ahead of me, but at least I'm on the road now. Overcoming this eating disorder is going to change so many things for me.
Also, I recommend any book written by Geneen Roth.

Now ... on to something even more sweet and beautiful.
These little people (along with my (normal eater) spectacular husband) are a big part of my motivation to better myself. Every single day.

If someone had told me several years ago that I would eventually rather spend my evenings rocking babies with Nate than hanging out with my friends and "having fun" I would have scoffed right in their face.
When Nate is home in the evening he sits in the rocking chair with Mazie while I sit in the glider with Freya and we all (well, not so much Freya) sing songs and read a few books. Nate and I then rock our babies to sleep while we talk about our day and the goings on of life.

I'd rather be doing that than most anything.
There is so much comfort in this family. Love my cozy peeps.

This morning I did not want to get up. Allow me to rephrase that ... I was already up taking care of Freya, but I didn't want to leave the house to go to the gym. But, I did. And I'm glad. I killed it on the Arc Trainer and I'm still sweating. Today is good.

Here's the sign Mazie and I put out for Nate on his last day of classes last week. So proud!
(summer classes start next week)

(Look! My bike is out and ready to go. We got a new bike trailer for the girls and I love it. We sprung for the 20" wheels to keep the kiddos from losing their hind ends on bumps and large objects. Not sure what large objects we'd be running over, but you never know.)

*ahem* So, here goes ..
I am noticing a few changes in my body (externally) since hittin' gym with more gusto in the mornings. I'm not thin, eh, but I'm not as big as a barn anymore. Three-hundy didn't look so good on me. I love working out not only because it improves my appearance, but because it makes me feel strong and focused. Working out is therapeutic in many ways.
Also, I'm working on establishing a "normal" eating lifestyle. I'll spare you the juicy details, but I'm currently seeing a nutrition therapist (um, they're expensive. so, if you are looking for a lucrative career and relish (heh, relish) talking about food and why it's nothing to be afraid of, then become one of those.) Striving to overcome a ten-year-old eating disorder is tough. I'm not even sure if tough is the correct word. How about maddening, frightening, frustrating, confusing and liberating? (all at the same time) Last week I wanted to throw in the towel, but Nate strongly encouraged me to keep up the good fight. Right now I'm not working on losing weight, I'm working on learning how to be balanced in my relationship with food. (Because it's really not about the food itself when it comes down to it. It's about the relationship that we have with the food.)
Not working toward losing the rest of this weight scares the bejeebus out of me! Nate laid it all out for me by saying that it's more advantageous for me to remain at this weight while overcoming the issues for a lifetime than to get thin now but still be dealing with this ED for a lifetime. Good golly, I love my Nate. He is going to make one excellent therapist ... I mean that.